Sunday, December 4, 2016

Wasted Disgrace

Was going to throw out trash
And it was going alright until
I saw your face running through my head.
I didn't know whether to smile or scream, dear.
You know how I'd much rather die
Than have your face running through my head.
It's time again to throw the trash away--
You're going out but I don't know when.

The last time you nearly made me sick.
I felt like an addict in need of a hit,
But you wouldn't bite or even come near,
And you just left me there yearning for it.
Incredibly cruel, how you play your games.
I'm not your toy anymore, okay?
Give up your reason or give up the rhyme--
I won't wait for you and we're out of time.

The last of the nation is wasted disgrace.
Torment me no more,
We're simply wasted disgrace.
Torment me no more,
I'm simply wasted.
Torment me no more,
I'm simply disgraced.

Bored Ramblings

Last night I had a dream that I was cooking kheer, rice pudding, and it reminded me of my fifth wedding anniversary in Belpukur when I made kichuri (rice and lentil stew) and kheer for Madan Gopal. I can't recall the dream, but from what I can put together, it was pretty lucid and realistic. There were no demons and I was no demon slayer. There was no handsome stranger trying to seduce me away from my partner. There was no grand temple inauguration or festival I was presiding over. How boring. What I can tell you is that when I woke up this morning, I specifically remembered dream-self desperately wanting to make kheer for Giriraj so I think it means Giriraj wants kheer. :)
In other news, Chandaneswar prabhu is training me in deity worship. We have been increasing our regular service since Giri Govardhan śila arrived in our home this summer and Chandaneswar prabhu wants me to know all the priestly stuff. It's slow going because between school, Krishna Chandra, martial arts, Giriraj, and sewing, I have to brush up on my Bengali to read up on procedures. It's definitely worth the trouble though, regardless of whether I receive brahmin initiation or not.
Since Giriraj arrived, I've been doing more crafting. Giriraj is definitely easier to sew for because He doesn't have specific dimensions that I must adhere to like the Deity forms. Also, since He receives daily bathing and dressing and doesn't have a wardrobe, I'm constantly designing new jewelry and outfits for him. Sometimes we borrow items from the other Deities for Giriraj to wear. I might knit or crochet something for him tomorrow. It's Odana sasti.
I'm supposed to go to India again this winter and I might see you-know-who. I'm still mad at him because he's an idiot, but I love him so I guess I should try to reconcile the relationship or at least try not to slap the living hell out of him. Anyway, I talked to him on the phone a couple weeks back and he apologized, slightly, but I imagine even that was a huge step for him and his enormous ego. I don't even know why the hell I answered the phone. I don't even know why the hell I told him I'd be in Mayapur. I don't even know why the hell I want to see him after all that bullshit he did and said to me. At any rate, I can't wait to hang out with Sanat Kumar and Jayadev's family. Hopefully we get to travel to Vrindavan or something. I really want to take them on pilgrimage. They seem hopeful as well.
The end of the semester is upon us and you know what that means-- finals week. In my case, I have a music jury I'm not particularly excited about. I feel like I'm butchering this poor concerto at this point. I don't think practicing this last couple days is going to give me any more of an edge; I think I've already over practiced and strained my body this semester. That's probably why my shoulders are sore every morning and why my hands cramp or go numb. I feel weakness or numbness in my right hand more often than my left and I always thought it was because my muscles were developing again. Last week my left hand cramped and fell asleep during my lesson! Somehow I managed to play through it, we were sight-reading a Bach partita, double stops and all. I didn't tell my master because I was afraid he'd make me put my instrument down for fear of dropping it. I think I worry him. If I ask him about stuff like this, he gives me the worried look tells me to sit down for a minute.
What else? There's a dozen other things I'd love to talk about but I can't right now. I have to finish some Chemistry homework/labs. :((
Oh, I hate typing Chem labs. There's a million data cells and you have to keep your data organized and shit or you may screw up your report. Great fucking waste of hours of your time.

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Party Night

So last night there was gunfire in my neighborhood and my neighbors continued to party un-phased, mind you, hollering and singing and arguing in their back yard loud enough that I didn't get much sleep at all. I still managed to conjure up a weird dream, which I almost forgot about. I have to tell you because it's out of character (but isn't that what dreams are made of?).
So it started with a friend of mine asking me to attend a party with him. He said it was going to be "more your style" which I interpreted as being low-key, not too many people. He said it was going to be at his buddy's bungalow somewhere around Preston Hills. He swore it was going to be a cool dinner party, people I would get along with and I could even bring Krishna Chandra because there would probably be other kids his age.
We set off, even though its Sunday evening and we both have school in the morning. When we arrive, it's a full out frat party with drunk idiots driving up on this guy's lawn and leaving donuts everywhere. I'm like, "Fuck this shit, dude, take me back home." He assures me this must be a mistake, there's no way his friend would opt for this crap. So he looks for his buddy and tries to find out what happened. Apparently, homeboy had to go out of town for a family emergency and someone else decided to crash at his place along with a hundred other morons. I ended up staying because by the time I found my friend again (place was huge), he was so drunk, he couldn't possibly drive me. I didn't call anyone else to pick me up; I don't know if I was embarrassed by these people, ashamed that I would be associated with such lawlessness or whatnot, or if I honestly didn't want my friends to come to get me and end up partying with everyone else.
Krishna Chandra and I decided we could fend for ourselves for the evening, plus they had an awesome garden and our friend said we could spend the night in one of the outlying cottages. Krishna Chandra loved the cozy place, he curled up with a book and fell asleep on the couch. In the morning, I woke up realizing that I had to drop him off at school. I looked for my friend and borrowed his car. I don't remember if I got a shower in the morning, but I know Krishna Chandra magically manifested a school uniform and I got him to school just in time, maybe even a little early.
On the way back, I stopped at TJ Maxx, of all places, to shop for clothes and scarves. There was a sale and naturally I felt obligated to purchase a scarf in every available color. Mind you, I have a class at Eastfield but I'm too preoccupied with scarves at the moment. What's interesting is that I'm telling myself, "You could have got an Uber home last night but here you are procrastinating the morning away at TJ Maxx." Also I'm certain they don't open that early; it's around 8am and there's no traffic on 75. Another discrepancy. Oh, there's a creep following me around the store so I decide to walk out of the store (instead of notifying the manager or security) and walk to my friend's car, a bright red mustang. I actually like muscle cars but in my dream I felt a sense of self-loathing in his vehicle, "I wouldn't be caught dead in this car. WTF." It's funny because I'm pretty sure my friend drives a pick-up truck now, not a muscle car. The creepy guy follows me out but loses me in the parking lot so I wait for him to leave and duck back into the store to realize I forgot my purse inside and the lady was hoping I'd come back. I decide on a scarf, just one, and head out.
I go back to my friend's buddy's place to find my hungover friend giving me some lecture about how it's important not to waste my energy on unproductive things and that I should get to Eastfield ASAP, or else. He actually said, "Or else." He insisted that I take his car and I rolled my damn eyes at him and said, "Yes, sir." I knew I had a while to get there if I took 635 so chilled back at my crib/cottage and wandered around for a bit and found someone I knew. I noticed there was a japa mala and what looked like Hare Krishna evidence, Radha Krishna photos, bells, incense, and dried flowers. I asked someone if a Krishna devotee lived on the premises and they said, "Yeah, Madhuri! She and her boyfriend stay here during the week. Do you know Madhuri?" I was like, "What? When, why, how? Madhuri has a masters degree and shit, why would she be working here?" They told me they got paid well, plus benefits, plus a 'gnarly' place to crash. I knew I was defeated so I just walked away. Moments later, I bumped into Madhuri coming in for work. She told me, "I basically hang out all damn day and only work when they call me for help. I'm a nanny for this grown ass idiot-man." I met Madhuri's boyfriend and he seemed nice. I realized that I was going to be late if I didn't leave soon so I excused myself and that's when I woke up.