Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Self-disclosure

Yesterday I did what I never thought was possible-- the most challenging human function for me-- I opened up to someone about an incriminating and embarrassing indiscretion. Nobody as yet knows about it except for him. I can't imagine telling anyone in my personal circle of friends because I feel that it would change their opinion of me. What if they turn on me or gossip about me? Do I care about what they think? 
I can open up to casual acquaintances on the rare occasion but I never tell them any pertinent information about myself because I know that that information may inevitably leak out. When I do share information, I find that its usually more embarrassing in my mind than it is in real life. What should I do? Just open up to anyone and be up front? No! That's ridiculous. So solution is to find someone that I can talk to who doesn't have anything to gain from the information.
Last night I slept through the night without much interruption, which is unusual for me. I don't know if it had something to do with getting it all of my chest of if I just had a good night. I don't recall sleeping that soundly in a long time. I do recall one occasion when I felt absolute dread upon lying in bed and it wasn't until hours later that I finally succumbed to slumber. That was about a year ago. I don't know what has happened in the past year or exactly what keeps me up at night but something is bothering me and I just can't express it or I refuse to divulge it because I'm terrified of the implications. 
What else? I'm not sure that I can take this information to the grave anymore. When I finally spoke to someone, it felt like an enormous weight lifted off me and I could breathe. I don't know if he sensed it, or if he even cares but I realize now that I would have been better off talking to someone who really cared personally or knew me well in order to advise me further or give me more insight. Then again, of what use is it. 
The more I talk, the more open I feel. I feel like I'm turning into a different person with more openness and awareness than I could manage before. It's complicated and sometimes messy but I wouldn't trade this newfound self-disclosure for anything in the world. 

Saturday, January 28, 2017

Behind The Mask

Yesterday I was frustrated and on the precipice of a heart-wrenching and conflicting realization. I desperately wanted to burst open and pour out all my thoughts, feelings and anxieties but I resisted. I resisted even in the presence of someone with no personal connection to my past or present circumstances or any personal bias. I resisted because I was afraid that someone would finally see me for who I really am rather than the mask I flash before them. Someone could unearth the interred remains of an identity I desperately tried to suppress and stifle ages long ago. For what more terrifying monsters lie in wait for us than the visage of our most repulsive and impulsive selves? Am I subhuman? A monster? Selfish? Greedy? Lusty? Unabashed? Impetuous? Immoral? Deceptive?


Later, I began an uncomfortable conversation with myself in hopes of alleviating some of the internal strife only to unravel further the tangled, mangled mess and catch fleeting glimpses of a new identity with complex and apparently contradictory beliefs and values. Who am I? Who have I become? Why do I continue to resist knowing full well the repercussions of isolation?

My Moon

I woke up in the middle of the night tossing and turning today. After composing this, I fell sound asleep and slept through the night! I figured it must be some enchantment spell so I wrote it down for later use.

Ode to A Moon

When I pursue you, you hide yourself.
When I flee you, you chase me.
When I hold my gaze, you shy away.
When I ignore you, you take me!