Sunday, December 25, 2016

Secret Notes

Dear Sunshine,
I want to tell you a dozen things.
I want to tell you how much you intrigue me but I know it's a bad idea.
I'd like to get to know you better and tell you more about myself in turn, but in the process I know I could get myself and others hurt.
Knowing full well, I still feel drawn toward you. I yearn to reach out toward you much like a sun-loving vine tangles her way forward and climbs toward the warmth of the sun's rays.
-Latā, The Vine

Dear Beloved,
I managed to finally rid myself of you, that is, until today. I ran across an acquaintance and instead of moving forward gracefully, I found myself wanting to dig for any information as to your whereabouts, well-being, etc.
Perhaps I could inquire, but I know it was unlikely that I could manage the task without giving myself away-- or appearing desperate for you. (You know how I care about impressions.)
How can I know you, truly, when I am ungrateful of you when I have to to myself?  I take our moments for granted and then pine for you in the aftermath of your absence. Why is it so hard to admit that to you when we're together, alone?
-Ekākī, The Loner

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Stir Crazy

So I won't pretend that I'm elated about this winter break. I was supposed to go to India but decided the money could go to better use: a decent violin bow for one & a halo sport. I really, really, really want them and I have very, very, very strong, convincing rational arguments in favor of both. They're my Christmas presents to myself. That's my argument.
The week was a blur. I got a pedicure finally and that was the most relaxing thing I did. I meant to take naps and get a massage but didn't get around to it. What's worse is that I don't know what I did besides study, practice and run errands. I can't remember right now, really.
I haven't practiced much but primarily because I wanted to give my left hand a couple days rest. It feels much better now and no cramping so far. I should be playing my instrument more but I get an hour in at most before I'm distracted by someone or something. Tomorrow I'm going to pick up a bow at Jay's with Ramon and Chandaneswar.
I took my Chemistry exam yesterday and I think I passed the class. I better have passed. I don't give a damn about the grade at this point because I feel like I stressed myself out about that course during the semester. I need to take it easy & learn to chill. I don't think I know how to chill. I've been going stir crazy if I have to spend more than two hours at home alone. I find things to do. The other day I carefully brushed and vacuumed my rug because I had a spare hour between practicing and lunch.
Bike ride! Yeah, I went on the trail... my butt is still sore. That's it.
Reading! I've been reading more devotional literature.

Saturday, December 10, 2016

Gita Jayanti Dream

Today I had a dream about the Lord again.
Today is Gita Jayanti Day, the day Bhagavad Gita was spoken on the battlefield of Kurukshetra.
My dream was set on the battlefield, in fact. I was thinking about this metaphor for life and I realized there would be many lesser battles that I would have to participate in before I could be strong enough to fight in a large war alongside the great warriors. As I was contemplating this, Lord Hanuman appeared before me and asked me, "Do you know Arjuna's battle cry?" I responded in the negative and he said, "Just see! I'll take you there." With this mystic powers, he shrunk me down to the size of a worn down pencil and took me along the sidelines of the Kurukshetra battlefield. There I saw thousands upon thousands of chariots, horses, elephants, and millions of warriors primed for battle. He took me in closer and pointed out Arjuna's chariot, "There it is! Look closely!" he said as he pointed out the sacred banner waving proudly from Arjuna's chariot. "I sit atop his chariot. Look, I am there upon his flag!"

I felt silly throughout, I knew that Hanuman was on Arjuna's flag, but why did he ask me if I knew Arjun's battle cry? Suddenly I heard Hanuman shout, "Jay Ramachandra Bhagavan!" and then someone else shouted "Jai Bajrangbali!" I felt certain it was none other than Arjuna himself.
Though I had some doubt as to whether Hanumanji was ever present during the Mahabharat, I got this sense that I would be better off simply accepting the lesson and blessed appearance of Hanuman in my dream. Jai Bajraangbali! Jai Ramchandra Bhagavan! Jai Sri Krishna Bhagavan!
I still don't know what the dream really was about, but I want to ask my scholar friends about Hanuman's role during Mahabharat.